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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25792996">i dont wanna be me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolip/pseuds/tolip'>tolip</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Crankiplier song fics [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Video Blogging RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Eating Disorders, F/M, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other, Past Abuse, Sad Ethan Nestor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 09:20:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25792996</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tolip/pseuds/tolip</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After a year and a half of Ethan not talking to Mark, Amy or Tyler the gang finally gets together to record a Markiplier makes. The recording itself went great, its what happened afterwards that was concerning.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mark Fischbach/Amy Nelson, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Crankiplier song fics [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1763869</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>134</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i dont wanna be me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>please dont read this if it is going to cause you to relive bad memories that are related to EDs or abuse. if you do continue and read this thank you I appreciate it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The recording day was going just as any other had before. Mark and Tyler where laughing at how incompetent they all were at making anything without a recipe. Even Amy who was normally somewhat professional was laughing behind the camera. But Ethan wasn't. He was staring off into space while mixing the batter for whatever they were making for this markiplier makes. Thoughts were going through Ethan’s head faster than a highway.</p><p>Why don't you just fall apart again i mean you’ve already done that this morning on the drive here. It would give another reason for your ‘friends’ to laugh at you, they already think you’re stupid might as well show them how broken you are too.</p><p>Ethan falls back to reality, when Amy asks him, “Ethan How did you break the whisk?! We bought that for you because it said it was virtually indestructible!” The room is silent for a few beats, everyone looking at Ethan before they all start to laugh, though Ethan’s is forced.</p><p>Ethan sticks his hand into his batter and pulls out the pieces of the whisk before throwing them into Mark’s bowl. “Sharing is caring Mark and I wanted to show you I care.” Ethan says as he hands Tyler the other half of the broken whisk. </p><p>The rest of the recording session went on without a hitch. Unless you count the smalle fire that was started in one of Mark’s ovens. Mark did his outro and everyone started to help clean up. Ethan was helping with the dishes when he felt his stomach start to churn. He puts the dishes back in the sink and heads into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. As Ethan vomits up the only thing he’s eaten in days, his mind is running wild again.</p><p>He was right, you are weak, you are ugly, this is what you deserve.<br/>
After Ethan purged the little bit of food he had in his system he goes to open the door and is met with Amy instead of the hallway like he was expecting.<br/>
“Ethan are you okay, we heard retching.”</p><p>“Ya Amy I'm fine, there was just something wrong with one of the croissants we made.”<br/>
Amy’s face falls as she opens her mouth to say something but she closes her mouth, as if she thought better of it and walks back into the living room. Ethan takes a deep breath before he heads into the living room. “Hey Mark i'm gonna head home, I'm not feeling well.”</p><p>“No, Ethan we need to talk.” Tyler says as he holds up his hand jingling Ethan’s keys as he gestures to the couch where Mark and Amy are sitting.<br/>
“What is this, an intervention?” Ethan asks, trying to sound amused but his voice strains at the end.<br/>
Ethan sighs and sits down on the couch, the cushions barely sinking when he places his weight on it.</p><p>Mark is the first to speak, “Ethan you aren’t going anywhere until we get to the bottom of this. Ethan we noticed that you have been acting strange ever since your breakup. I mean we don't see you for almost a whole year, and you don't talk to us for a year and a half and you just expect us not to notice that you are paler than you used to be? That you are skeletal looking?”</p><p>Ethan opens and closes his mouth a few times before he says, “No i knew you’d notice but i thought that maybe you’d think it was just because I didn't get much sun or I was just exercising a lot. And I'm sorry I never texted you back and never came to hangout. My ex was very, he was very controlling.”</p><p>“Is that why we never saw you, he wouldn't let you?” Amy asks, laying a hand on Ethan's.<br/>
Ethan gives a small nod as tears start to cascade down his cheeks. Mark and Tyler curse under their breath as Amy rubs Ethan’s hand in hers.<br/>
“Ethan why are your hands so cold?”<br/>
“When we were together, he would tell me that I was too big so I eventually stopped eating altogether.”<br/>
“Ethan that isn't healthy, when was the last time you ate?” Tyler asks sinking down beside Mark. Ethan runs a hand through his hair before saying, “Before that little bit of croissant, a few days.”</p><p>Ethan feels a shiver of guilt run down his spine as he sees how hurt Mark looks.<br/>
“Ethan, do you, can he still call you?” Ethan takes out his phone and opens it up to the contacts and there he is, at the very top. Ethan hands Mark the phone and before he can rebuttal Mark calls the number putting it on speaker. It only rings once before a voice comes over the phone.</p><p>“So the whore comes crawling back.”<br/>
“No you shit sack, he has a name and it's Ethan.” Mark says, his voice wavering with the effort of trying to keep his voice level.<br/>
“Whatever, put Ethan on the line then.”<br/>
Ethan goes to speak but his eyes start to water and his voice gets caught in his throat.<br/>
“Ethan you don't have to say anything,” Tyler says gently while glaring at Mark.</p><p>“No, it's fine.” Ethan says, his voice shaking.<br/>
“So you are here.” He says and even though they couldn't see his face they could tell he was smiling.<br/>
Ethan takes a deep breath before he starts to speak and it all pours out of him, as if someone broke a dam within him, “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me? Ever since I started dating you I would fall apart every single day and you wouldn't do anything except laugh and call me names. Sometimes I just wish you could feel what you said to me but I truly hope you never do. And I wish I could change the way I feel right now, wish I could just shake off how bad you hurt me but I can’t! You made me think that I was broken, as If I was made from a broken mold. You told me you loved me, I told you everything about me! And instead of supporting me you used what I told you to break me down and destroy me. You promised me that you’d always be there for me, that you’d always love me, but when you were honest you broke your promise. You made me hate myself, you made me not like what I saw in the mirror, you made me not wanna be me anymore!” By the time Ethan finished he was out of breath and his eyes hurt from crying.<br/>
“Whatever, I never loved you anyways I only ever us--” But before he could finish Amy hung up the phone, blocking and deleting it.</p><p>Everyone sat there in silence before Tyler wrapped Ethan in a hug and said, “Eth its okay, he was wrong, he doesn't know anything about you.”<br/>
“If he ever shows his face to you again I'll beat the shit out of him.” Mark says before joining in on the hug.”<br/>
“Ethan if you need anything. You can always ask, we will always be here for you.” Amy adds trying to wrap her arms around the group. Ethan sits there, not knowing what to do.</p><p>Amy and Mark get up, grabbing their phones and ordering food for them. Tyler goes to follow but Ethan clings on, burying his face in Tyler’s shirt. “Can you sit with me?”<br/>
“Of course Ethan.” Tyler responds, lifting Ethan up and setting him on the couch beside him.<br/>
Ethan rests his head against Tyler’s side and falls asleep like that, feeling better than he had in a year.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic was loosely inspired by idontwannabeyouanymore by Billie Eilish its a great song that you should go listen to!<br/>Comments and kodus are always appreciated!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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